Buzz Bites

I spent my childhood in Australia jealously shaking my fist at the fortunate youth across the ocean, the kids in America. These kids had it all. Movie stars walking the streets, gadgets galore, and a holiday like none other; a holiday where all young people prowled the streets in fantastic costumes, collecting enormous amounts of FREE candy.

Australia didn't celebrate Halloween when I was young. Oh, we knew about it of course, but good luck trying to squeeze some chocolate out of your neighbors, you'd be more likely to get hit with an empty beer can.

But in my 10th year of life I was given the greatest gift any young Australian child could hope for. No, not an anti-venom variety pack; that would be the second greatest. I was given the gift of relocation to the holy land: The United States of America.

So I hit the Halloween scene late. At first I hated all of the candy. My first of many major illusions about the US to be shattered was the realization that you guys have it bad in the chocolate bar department... really bad. However, even before I became accustomed to the sweets of the land, there were a few varieties that stuck out as being the worst of the worst and the dreaded Tootsie Roll may very well be at the top of that horrid list.

What the hell are Tootsie Rolls? I know they mention something about sugar but, as far as I'm concerned, they're just brown colored taffy flavored with the same dirty mop water used to make Yoohoo.

ANYWAY, this isn't about Tootsie Rolls so I'll cut that rant short. However, I needed to use these vile little pieces of sugary excrement as a point of reference.

You see, or perhaps you've already seen, I'm a depraved caffeine addict. All you have to do is mention the word coffee in a product description and I'm already at the checkout, shoving it in my face and looking for my debit card. And this is how I was stung by the Buzz Bite.

Buzz Bites are little "chocolate" squares that contain as much caffeine as a cup of coffee. It even says so on the label through the use of very clever symbology. For a more in depth description, this is what the buzz bites website says about them:

Buzz Bites - Chocolate & Mint Chocolate Energy Chews contain a proprietary blend of caffeine, ginseng, taurine and B vitamins, which enhance performance, increase endurance, stimulate metabolism and sharpen that edge that lets you take on life!

Oh yeah! Sharpen that edge! What am I saying? Who am I to criticize? That's exactly what drives me to consume dangerous levels of caffeine in the first place, the desire to maximize focus and productivity. So sure, Buzz Bites definitely deliver in the caffeine department, but it's how they do it that's the problem.

Buzz Bites taste like Tootsie Rolls. But wait, that's not all! Buzz Bites taste like those "cream filled" Tootsie Rolls but instead of the "creme" filling they shoved a caffeine pill inside. At 50 cents or more a pop, you'd be better off doing just that yourself. The vile, bitter taffy may give you the kick you're looking for but there's no benefit in the delivery.

Drink a cup of coffee, drink a red bull, or swallow a caffeine pill with some chocolate milk. Just don't waste your money on these. But if you do decide to buy some, I definitely won't turn them down when I'm standing at your door with my pillow case in my hands and my moth-eaten bed sheets draped over my head.