Coffee Berry Juice

One day I was in the midst of consuming excessive amounts of coffee, a regular occurrence, when I started wondering about what happens to the fruit surrounding coffee beans after they are harvested. You see, coffee beans come from berries that look like cherries, little red orbs that grow on a vine. In some places civets eat these berries and poop out deliciously adulterated coffee beans which are then roasted and sold to rich Americans as Kopi Luwak. But is the flesh of coffee berries/cherries fit for human consumption?

Soon after posing this question I discovered that O.N.E. (One Natural Experience), makers of the strangely delicious Cashew Juice and refreshing Coconut Water, offer a beverage made from the flesh of coffee cherries.

Continuing in their line of intriguingly unorthodox and deliciously nutritious drinks, O.N.E. combine the nutritious coffee fruit, the benefits of which are typically destroyed and discarded during the processing of the beans, with strawberry puree and Acerola (Amazon Cherry). This mixture of fruits results in a potent nutritional cocktail high in antioxidants and Vitamin C. In fact, Acerola juice itself contain 32 times the amount of vitamin C as an equal volume of orange juice.

The coffee berries themselves are said to be a bit bland but I think I detect some hints of the typical astringent qualities of coffee. The flavor of the juice is dominated primarily by the strawberry puree which, along with the meaty texture, results in a drink that is akin to the expensive, exotic juice blends at high end natural food eateries. There's about as much caffeine as green tea so, while it won't give you a huge boost, there's enough stimulation to kick your brain into gear. Add to that the almost paradoxical filling and refreshing nature of the beverage and there's no reason not to fill half of your refrigerator with cartons of this stuff (the other half, of course, being reserved for chilled coffee). Unfortunately, I only have one left at the moment but I can't bring myself to drink if because I can't stand the idea of not having anymore (I'm in the same situation with the Cashew Juice as well).

Nothing will ever replace coffee as my one true love but, not wanting to have a heart attack before I'm 30, I can't very well drink it all day. With its delicious flavor, high nutrient levels, mild caffeine concentration, and pure convenience, I'd gladly make Coffee Berry Juice my beverage of choice in between shots of espresso.

Heater Meals

What happens when a company consolidates various edible items from a series of low quality food producers to create a gigantic mass of meal for people on the go? Well, you might get something like HeaterMeals©, the self-heating meal that is perfect for anyone lost in the wilderness, embedded in a war zone, or hopelessly wandering across the charred remains of a post-apocalyptic wasteland.

For my birthday, many months ago, I was given a HeaterMeals Plus™ by a co-worker. This may have been because he knows about my penchant for trying strange foods. More likely is that, having just returned from training with the Army Reserves, it was "leftovers" and he thought it would be funny to pass it on. Either way, I was quite grateful to be the recipient of such an odd parcel and, noting the expiration date of nearly a year later, promptly stuck it in the cupboard to be used on some future adventure. Well, the adventure never came and one day I was hungry, curious, and looking to free up some cabinet space and decided this was the day I would put the self-heating meal to the test.

Innotech invented their Flameless Ration Heater technology, TRUETECH™, in 1990 which has been used to heat over 1 Billion Meals for the U.S. Armed Forces.

Using this self-heating technology, Innotech developed, copyrighted, and branded an array of ready-to-eat meal options including:

• HeaterMeals© Self-Heating Meals - "a tasty, nutritious mobile, hot meal"
  


• HeaterMeals Plus™, The Self-Heating Meal, Plus all The Fixings™ - a HeaterMeal with some snacks, condiments, and a drink
  


• HeaterMeals3© - a HeaterMeal© with a 3 year shelf life
  


• HeaterMealsEX (which, curiously, isn't listed with a copyright next to its name... I guess they reached their quota on the number of copyright symbols one can use on a web page and still be standards compliant) - a HeaterMeal© with a 5 year shelf life!
  

Whew, that was a lot of product. Within each of these categories are a variety of meals for carnivores, omnivores, and herbivores alike. Some of the options include:

• Chicken Pasta Italiana


• Green Pepper Steak with Rice


• Homestyle Chicken & Noodles in Gravy


• Mushroom Gravy, Mashed Potatoes, & Beef


• Vegetarian 3 Cheese Lasagna


• Zesty BBQ Sauce & Potatoes with Beef


• Southwest Style Chicken with Rice and Beans


• Pancakes, Real Blueberry Topping and Bacon Slices


• + many, many more!

I had the "Pancakes, Real Apple Topping & Bacon Slices" from the HeaterMealsPlus breakfast series. Weighing in at a whopping 1240 calories, this is one burly breakfast! Included were two little pancakes, some strips of bacon-esque material, trail mix, raisins, apple juice, apple topping, a fruit cup, and the TRUTECH™ heating aparatus itself. There were more raisins and apple products than you could shake a stick at. Were these the fruits harvested towards the end of the season? Dried grapes and mushy apples rendered palatable through desiccation, liquefaction, and juice extraction? Well, it's a better fate than letting them go to waste.

To heat the food you place the appropriate items into the orange heater bag, pour in the provided pouch of water, and fold the bag in half to keep the heat in and prevent resultant chemical reaction from making a mess. At first the steam trickles out slowly but before you know it you're witnessing a violent boil. This thing really does get quite hot so one must take great care when removing the contents for consumption. I'm not a stickler for hot meals and can very well enjoy my food cold or tepid (I actually prefer to not heat up leftovers) but I could absolutely see this being indispensable in a cold environment where lighting a fire is not an option.

Now onto the food itself: basically it tasted like crap. The raisins, fruit cup, juice, and trail mix had enough sugar to kill an entire army of diabetics. The bacon was like fat jerky and, although it didn't taste too bad, it's not something I'd choose to eat again. Although most would disagree with me on this point, the pancakes were quite palatable. They were dry and rubbery but that just tricked me into thinking they were some sort of healthy, whole grain pancakes (is that an oxymoron?). But seriously, taste and enjoyability are not the point of these meals; this is not food you're supposed to choose to eat. You eat HeaterMeals because you have to. Despite my biting criticism about the quality of this product, there's no denying how incredibly essential it could be in a time of need. So while it may not win out in the taste arena (and I must admit, I only tasted one and it could very well be the poorest of the bunch) they certainly do excel in terms of:

• Longevity: 1 - 5 years is a long shelf life for a meal and could mean the difference between life or death.
  


• Nutrition: sure, not the "healthiest" food around but it provides all of the essentials and more for dire situations. The high calorie content could again mean the difference between life and death.
  


• Warmth: because there's no socket for your spot heater out in the wild.
  


• Portability: you can fit a lot of these in a backpack, particularly if you ditched the box and sorted everything out before packing it, and there's no need for extra cooking equipment.
  

If I was roughing it or surviving in a bind then these types of products would be essential. So yeah, they may not taste very nice to the comfortable and well fed but these are the best post-apocalyptic meals money can buy.

Wow, I had planned on just making a bunch of disparaging remarks about this meal, particularly considering I couldn't even finish it (no need for the excess calories) but it appears as though I instead formulated a mini-infomercial. If only my endless drivel made any sense, then I might be able to capitalize on this aimless venture.

Toasted Coconut Sesame Brittle Ice Cream

As a male, I've never understood the whole "curled up on the couch with a pint of Häagen-Dazs" method to cheering oneself up. If you haven't noticed by reading through these expositions on gustatory experimentation, I haven't much of a sweet tooth, in fact I can be quite sensitive to sugar, and I am prone to freak outs about nutrition. Ergo, ice cream and other desserts are not at all comfort food for me, quite the opposite. This means I can walk down the ice cream aisle with nary a fear of temptation... well, except when it comes to the coffee varieties but I've been burned too many times to fall for that again.

But a few weeks ago I was grocery shopping and found myself in a mighty struggle against the gods of girth. Breezing past the frozen sweets my eyes briefly scanned the word sesame, forcing a double take and a halt for further investigation. Toasted coconut and sesame brittle ice cream? Upon first seeing this tub of [very expensive] frozen dairy dessert amongst a small collection of other [very expensive] exotic varieties in the Häagen-Dazs Reserve Series, I was immediately enthralled. Sesame seeds have long been an ingredient in deserts throughout Asian and Middle Eastern cultures but as far as us Western folk are concerned, they're what gets sprinkled on top of hamburger buns or, if you're looking to be adventurous, fried chicken at Chinese restaurants. That's it, end of story.

Being slightly unfamiliar with the ways of the sesame, I was very eager to try this odd indulgence but slightly afraid of the horrors detailed in the nutritional information. Sugars and fats galore with 300 whopping calories per serving but in the end my curiosity won out over my health concerns and I purchased the tub of [very expensive] ice cream.

Häagen-Dazs says that their inspiration for the Toasted Coconut Sesame Brittle flavor is drawn from "the lush islands of Thailand, where coconut trees line white beaches and the local markets are filled with exotic Asian spices like ginger and sesame." However, due to the hot climate and lack of beach-side refrigeration, the Thai people were prevented from coming up with the brilliant idea of mixing this all together in a tub of ice cream.

Looking at commodity prices, sesame seeds are far less expensive than I had imagined. I mean, you never really see them for sale in Western supermarkets except in the aforementioned form of a hamburger bum adornment so I figured they were a luxury of sorts. At approximately $2.50 per pound for the consumer, it's cheaper than many other seeds and grains. But what I did have prior knowledge of was their great nutritional profile, particularly when unhulled. While incredibly high in fat, the fats are primarily of the monounsaturated variety which has been shown to lower LDL [bad] cholesterol levels. Sesame seeds are also high in copper, manganese, calcium, magnesium, and iron and have significant amounts of zinc, vitamin B1, and vitamin E.

Not only are they super nutritious, sesame seeds are also super delicious. There's a lot of flavor packed into these tiny little seeds. However, I have no idea what one would compare said flavor to.

But anyway, onto the ice cream itself; this stuff is simply too good. The sesame brittle is reminiscent of the tiny, meatless artifacts found within a helping of fresh, good quality sesame chicken but with a hint of ginger to spice it up. The toasted coconut pieces themselves would have made a great singular ingredient in this creamy confection but the sesame brittle gives a welcome kick of exoticism, transforming a dessert into a delicacy.

As with any food of this kind, a few bites are enough to satisfy me, too much sweetness can put me off for a while, but I found myself visiting the tub more frequently than usual throughout the week so that by the time I got around to taking pictures it was almost all gone. Had I waited any longer, would have been forced to purchase another tub and that would have put me in a very, very bad situation. I don't want to buy new pants. Like a woman in the midst of a personal tragedy, I think I'll have to avoid the ice cream aisle from now on... I don't know if my will is strong enough to resist further temptation.

Thai Guava

The thai guava is one ugly fruit. Not ugly in the same grotesque vein of an Ugli Fruit or a Cherimoya, just an "if I found this in the wild I would not be tempted to stick this in my mouth" way; mottled green and brown with an odor that gives no indication of edibility. But given that it reminded me in that sense of a Fieoja, I was optimistic that the flesh contained some secret delight.

Nutritionally speaking, guavas are pretty good food. Packed with vitamin C, vitamin A, antioxidants, and fiber, this is something that you should want to eat, right? Even the seeds contain a healthy dose of omega-3 and omega-6 fatty acids. So I should definitely want to eat this... right?

Well, I think I left my Thai Guava too long before getting around to the eating business. This could partially account for the abominable appearance of the skin and a slight brown region in the flesh. Undeterred by the slight decay I prepared to consume the sparkling white regions untouched by rot. Moving my face towards the fruit, the aroma still didn't shout "eat me" but I continued my mission and took the first bite.

Soap. It tasted like soap. So maybe that was just the first nibble or maybe there are some complex secondary flavors that explode forth after the enzymes in my saliva set about breaking down the chemicals left in my mouth. No, still tasted like soap. I couldn't finish and hastily threw the rest of the fruit away.

Was I missing something?

Some sites liken the taste to a pear but I wasn't experiencing anything like that. Ideally I'd sample some more in order to make my observations more scientific in a sense. But this isn't science, dammit! This is self-righteous, opinionated, babble. However, the judgment isn't final as there are some other strange varieties of guava that I will certainly try if I ever happen to find them available commercially.

Fritos Chili Cheese Wrap

What has this world come to where something like the Fritos Chili Cheese Wrap can be suffered to exist? The shock of seeing this abomination parading as food in a local circular had me journeying to Sonic in a matter of minutes. Being completely out of touch with popular culture (and reality in general), I have no idea how long this crime against nutrition has been perpetrated but the sheer indecency of it left me completely dumbfounded.

Sparing myself a couple dollars and few hundred calories, I bought the junior version of this foul beat. There's no need to tell you that it bears no resemblance the depiction in the menu in terms of, shall we say, rotundness. I want to move to the alternate dimension where fast-food menu pictures are taken. Even if they serve crap like this at least it's big, warm, and inviting as opposed to the tepid, sloppy, grease cakes you always end up with. There will be no obesity-epidemic finger pointing, multinational corporation condemnations, or questions concerning food quality standards here; but having worked in fast-food during high school, I should know enough about the realities of the food to stay away. However, without any sliver of shame I can attest to the fact that it really does serve its purpose in times of great need and frugality. Regardless, even in times of desperation, I don't think I could stomach the likes of this.

So, back to the meat of this post: The Fritos Chili Cheese Wrap. Wait, where the hell is the meat? Unfolding the thick layers of tortilla I am confronted with a bunch of corn chips slathered in a sloppy brown sauce with a few small flecks of something that I assume used to belong to a mammal. Okay, I know what you're thinking: diarrhea. Yeah, I was thinking that too.

However, it wasn't the defecatory resemblance that prevented me from finishing it. One mere bite set my salivary glands off in pre-vomit state but I still proceeded to go back for a second taste. Now, I must admit that I really don't like Fritos at all so that did factor into my disgusted and disgusting reaction to this monstrosity but honestly, it was mostly the starch and grease overload that brought me close to bringing it all back up. One must assume that there are people out there who actually enjoy this kind of garbage and, sadly, they probably outnumber those of us who think the very idea of it is vile; how depressing.

Passion Fruit

One day I was walking the dog with the wife and happened upon a strange green fruit growing on a vine. "Hmmm... what's this? I wonder if I can eat it," I remarked but was summarily warned that I would not be transported to the hospital in the event of any poisoning. The orb was about the size of a racquetball ball and had the same flexible, hollow feel. This oddity puzzled me for weeks every time I saw it. What on Earth could it be?

Here's the kicker: I had seen flowers on that same vine before. I knew was these flowers were called yet, in an extreme and prolonged case of idiocy, my feeble mind refused to make the connection. What was this flower, you ask? The passion flower:

And the fruit, of course, was a passion fruit. Get your iodine lest you end up a cretin like me.

Ever present as a flavoring in fruit drinks, candies, and confections, I was slightly puzzled to find that many people I asked had never eaten a passion fruit. Strange, since they are actually grown commercially (and wildly) in Florida, where I currently reside. When I lived in Australia, another big producer, they were in all grocers. But I can't remember having seen them in any local supermarkets for years and only just recently found a few on the Island of Misfit Produce at Whole Foods.

There are two main varieties of passion fruit. The purple passion fruit is the most commonly known and has the characteristic wrinkly purple skin. It only grows to about the size of a lemon whereas its cousin, the yellow passion fruit, can grow to the size of a grapefruit. Both varieties have a tough, outer rind that contains a clutch of seeds coated with a gelatinous, yellow/orange substance. The skin of mine was actually a mottled white/purple, something I had not seen before and I can only make the logical assumption that it is a cultivar of the purple variety. Regardless, just as our mothers told us, it's what's inside that matters.

Juices containing passion fruit really do the fresh fruit no justice. The aroma is sublimely sweet and floral with hints of mango. One whiff and you'll be incapable of resisting the temptation of the sweet flesh. The flavor is far more incredible than I had remembered; delectably rich and sweet but with a refreshing quality that can't be found in equally rich foods. Like a pomegranate, you scoop the innards out and consume both flesh and seed. Unlike a pomegranate, the seeds contribute favorably to the flavor, adding a slight dash of bitterness and sourness to counteract the intense sweetness of the flesh.

Unfortunately, there's a meager amount of edible matter and, at a dollar or more a pop, there are economic deterrents from just grabbing another for a repeat experience. Still, this salacious fruit is one you can quite happily take your time to savor.

Hemp Milk

Hippies of the world rejoice, you can now legally imbibe the nectar of your gods... somewhat. It seems as though hemp has been [justifiably] making inroads into the food market, particularly in health food stores, and not solely as a ploy to capitalize on the break-up of Phish and the resultant spike in the hippie population's disposable income. Who am I kidding? Hippies don't have any money to spare. But no need to worry as Hemp Dream, a hemp seed based milk substitute, doesn't cost all too much and also comes in a sweet tie-dyed container that can double as a decorative piece.

Hemp seed is a great source of Omega-3 and Omega-6 essential fatty acids which are, as their name implies, essential for maintaining bodily well-being and have an integral link to cardiac health. Essential fatty acids cannot be synthesized by the body from other components and therefore must be obtained via the diet. Hemp seeds are also said to contain all essential amino acids, the very building blocks of life, and significant levels of Manganese and Magnesium. In addition to the nutrients supplied by the hemp seed itself, Hemp Dream is fortified with Vitamins A, B12, D, and Calcium.

As with other milk substitutes, one of the main selling points of hemp milk is that it contains no lactose, for the lactose intolerant individuals amongst us. (But really, what do you find so intolerable about lactose anyway? Don't you think you're being a little too biased? It's the year 2009, we're all about tolerance. What did lactose ever do to you? Bloating, gas, and cramps? Ok, fair enough, but try to be a little more forgiving in the future.) Additionally, for those with other allergies or dietary restrictions, hemp milk is free of soy, gluten, and cholesterol.

I really enjoyed my carton of Oat Milk and was looking forward to trying the Hemp Dream out, hoping that it could match the Oatly in terms of its taste and refreshing quality. Visually the two drinks are very similar. Cloudy, off-white, and slightly less opaque than skim milk. The scent is hard to pin down. There is a slight vegetative or grainy quality but overall it's fairly weak and can only be aptly described as smelling wet.

I'm torn by the taste. I got the unflavored kind in order to better experience the true nature of hemp milk but it is also available in chocolate and vanilla. It's not drastically different from soy milk, rice milk, or oat milk and has a slight nutty flavor. Sometimes I enjoy it, other times I struggle to swallow my mouthful. I can't quite discern what quality it possesses that occasionally makes me want to retch but I do strongly recommend drinking it chilled. As the liquid warms it becomes unpalatable and I assume this is primarily a factor of the texture rather than the taste. Cold, cloudy water? Should be fine. Tepid, cloudy water? That's a no-go.

As far as milk substitutes go, oat milk gets my firm backing but this one has some great nutritional advantages. Strongly recommended for lactose intolerant hippies and vegetarians looking for a good source of essential fatty acids. However, I urge you to drink with caution. Hemp milk is a gateway beverage and can end up ruining your life and causing undue harm to your loved ones. But in all seriousness, the greater adoption of hemp as a viable food, material, and fuel crop would really be in the best interest of us all. Negative associations and potential misuse aside, this truly is one incredible plant and it's a shame it has been so vilified for its uses as an intoxicant.

Sour Orange

This ugly little orange was sitting with other strange and exotic fruits in the produce section of Whole Foods so I was lead to believe that there had to be something particularly special about it. While not as grotesque as the ugli fruits sitting nearby, these little creatures are noticeably rougher than their navel orange brethren; marred with black spots and streaks like a mini orange model of the moon. They're also incredibly dense. If I'd been attacked in the parking lot on the way back to my car then I could probably have used this rock-like fruit to fight off my would-be-assailant.

Being a native of Vietnam, I have a sneaking suspicion that the sour orange, also known as bitter orange, bigarade orange, or Seville orange, was developed as a weapon of war. Currently, however, it is used for its essential oil in perfumes and flavorings (one variety, bergamot, is used in the delectable Earl Grey tea) or as an ingredient in food items such as marmalade. More recently it has replaced the now-illegal ephedra as a dietary supplement because of its stimulant and appetite suppressing qualities. I can't find much information about the nutritional profile but I'm going to go out on a limb and guess that it has high levels of vitamin C.

In peeling the bitter orange, one can certainly begin to understand the value of the oil as a perfume or flavoring. The aroma is incredibly strong and distinct. At the same time, it is rather harsh and irritating to the skin, eyes, and passage ways; the sour orange does not like to be peeled and its tough exterior makes it an arduous task. Within the thick rind are very pulpy segments with a texture much like that of those found in grapefruit. In fact, much about the sour orange is similar to the grapefruit; particularly its texture, astringency, and taste. The sour orange, however, still has that distinctive "orange" scent and flavor that is responsible for its oil's popularity.

The rind must be where most of the value is contained as the innards indeed smell sour, but more along the lines of sour as in rotten. The pulpy skin around the juicy flesh is incredibly bitter and not very nice at all. After eating two pieces I couldn't stand the taste of the skin any longer and resorted instead to chewing the pieces until I'd extracted all of the juice and then promptly spat the pulp out. The juice itself was pleasant but overbearing at times. If I were to buy another one of these then I would definitely forgo the hassle of peeling and sectioning. Instead I'd just slice it in twain, juice the two halves, and sip slowly. Being so sour, it's probably something that can't be enjoyed in isolation all too often but would work quite well as an ingredient in meals or cocktails.

While the experience of peeling and eating the sour orange was rather unpleasant in and of itself (the tender flesh under my fingernails burned for the rest of the day), I've quite enjoyed learning about them. Now I shall run to the store and pick up some Earl Grey tea because I've got a craving for the sour, citrus flavor.

Coconut Water

My first experience with coconut water came during a trip to the dark depths of the Everglades. And by dark depths I mean the tourist walkways in the Everglades National Park but it was overcast and there were alligators everywhere, one even tried to attack me. And by attack me I mean it swam towards me with a sinister look in its eye and then disappeared into the murky depths, preparing itself to pounce upon me at any moment for being too close to its precious baby gators. Seriously, here's a picture of the angry mother right before she turned towards me and sank; I imagine she's still there at the bottom of that roadside swamp, waiting for me to return.

Anyway, seeing all of the coconut palms about, our foreign guests told us that you can drill a hole in the green ones and drink the water inside. Not only is it delicious but it's supposed to be highly nutritious as well. So being the adventurous types, we left the safety of the National Park and went straight to a roadside market called Robert Is Here to lawfully purchase our green coconut. The water wasn't that bad but it also wasn't very good either. Rather bland with a heavy consistency; not the crisp, mildly sweet, juice we had been expecting.

The next day we decided to take it one step further with some real adventure and created a teetering tower of flesh in order to procure a coconut from a roadside palm in one of the Keys. This one turned out to be even more disappointing as there was no water in it at all and the flesh didn't taste very nice either. So the dream was dead and my curiosity about coconut water disappeared with the green flash of the setting sun in Key West.

But then Whole Foods opened up nearby and they carry cartons of the stuff made by a company called O.N.E. (One Natural Experience) who also manufacture the Cashew Juice I previously wrote about.

Coconut water is the liquid from the innards of of a young, green coconut. The liquid and gelatinous meat eventual becomes the solid coconut meat we are all used to seeing and from with coconut milk is extracted. While mature coconut meat and coconut milk are high in oils, coconut water has no fat and it fairly low in calories despite its sweet flavor. It is also provides five essential electrolytes: calcium, phosphorous, magnesium, sodium, and potassium (of which it has more than a banana).

There's not much of an aroma beyond a faint smell of vegetation. The liquid is slightly cloudy but without coloration. It's easy to fathom why some countries offer this as a sports drink because it's quite crisp and refreshing. Despite the sweetness, it doesn't suck the moisture out of your mouth or burn as drinks high in sugar are likely to do. As for the taste, the typical coconut flavor is definitely noticeable but there is a more vegetative quality to it; I'm reminded of chewing on sugar cane or a mango peel. Overall a nice drink and something that could easily serve as a substitute or complement to other more common fruit juices.

You can go for the authentic, straight-from-the-coconut experience but, taste-wise, it seems to be the luck of the draw. I'd certainly like to try again but I'll keep a couple cartons of the prepackaged variety around in case of further disappointment.

Almond Butter

I never liked peanut butter much as a youth. It's not as popular in Australia and the formula is slightly different. During my time as a vegetarian I found the taste of America's number one spread growing on me and now I really like the stuff (the all-natural variety in particular).

Also being a great fan of the almond, another not-technically-a-nut-but-called-a-nut-anyway, I have been interested in trying almond butter ever since encountering it a few years ago but the price tag had put me off. Now that there are some generic offerings, the price has come down a bit but it's still exponentially higher than peanut butter. This is understandable though as almonds come from trees and the crops yield far less than a typical peanut crop of similar size, naturally making it a more expensive commodity. I was surprised to find that California is the world's largest producer of almonds with most others coming from the Mediterranean countries of Europe and Africa.

Almonds are often touted as nutritional super-foods as they are packed with vitamin E, good fats, protein, and dietary fiber. They have also been shown to aid in lowering LDL cholesterol levels. These nutritional qualities and the fact that they're not peanuts so won't kill you if you have a peanut allergy has made almond butter a viable alternative to peanut butter.

In terms of consistency and texture, there's really no difference between the additive-free peanut butter and the additive-free almond butter. Both have some oil separation and a similar viscosity. Like peanuts in peanut butter, the almonds are roasted before being made into a paste. Unfortunately, I'm not a big fan of roasted almonds and much prefer to them "raw" (apparently they're often pasteurized using steam, so not technically raw). That being so, I wasn't as enamored by this spread as I had hoped. Don't get me wrong, it's not bad at all; definitely enjoyable and satisfying, just not as nice for me as a handful of raw almonds.

That being said, I don't foresee shelling out six or seven bucks for another small jar and will happily stick to the big jars of all-natural, additive-free peanut butter which is more befitting my palate and budget.

Bee Pollen

Naturopaths and deluded peddlers of pseudoscience claim that bee pollen, also called bee bread, is nature's most perfect and complete food. Many purport that it rejuvenates, invigorates, prolongs life, heals organs, enhances athletic and sexual performance, fights infection, and inoculates against allergic reactions. That's quite an impressive array of medicinal properties packed into such tiny little balls of pollen. But there's a flaw to even the most basic claims about the nutritional profile of this supplement. Because bees don't typically stick to one flower, the composition of the pollen can be very hard to ascertain. Therefore, the proclamations that any container of bee pollen contains all of the essential amino acids along with high values of vitamins and minerals cannot be completely verifiable. And because the pollen sources are not known, those with allergies to any specific type of pollen run the risk of suffering a severe allergic reaction by consuming the stuff.

Anyway, there's a great article here by an actual doctor debunking the erroneous claims put forth by the promoters of bee pollen (which can be found en masse with a simple google search). So, crap aside, let's get down to the food stuff itself. I'm sure you've seen these little balls of spit and honey dangling from the hind quarters of a bee making daily nectar rounds in the garden. These are brought back to the hive used to manufacture honey, fueling the colony and the future generations of bees... that is if they're not stolen by some malicious supplement salesmen as the poor, unsuspecting bee arrives home from a hard day in the fields.

I was taken back at first upon opening my bottle and smelling the contents and even more surprised by the taste. The pollen balls smelled sweet and, get this, honey-like so, logically, my reaction didn't make much sense. But I could detect no distinct flowery scents nor any other aromas one associates with the pollen storms of spring. Noting the smell, the flavor and texture should have come as no surprise but this dry, chalky honey still caught me off guard. Illogical, yes, but it's hard to divorce honey's sweet and pungent flavor from the syrupy texture, as if some particular quality of the bee spit is responsible for the characteristic taste. But no, here it was in near-raw form. Surprisingly nice but not something that remains pleasant after the first couple teaspoons.

Don't believe the hype. If you're interested in trying some bee pollen, approach it as food and not some miraculous panacea. I could definitely see myself sprinkling it over some ice cream or adding it to the foamy top of a fancy coffee concoction. But one must take great care if they are prone to pollen allergies. There are cases of people dying after having a severe reaction to this food/supplement and there's no guaranteeing the composition of the pollen. Proceed with caution and skepticism.

Cashew Juice

Our aspiring city recently took another small step forward in modernity with the opening of the region's very first Whole Foods. Organic produce, healthy meals, and weird foods galore. One late night trip resulted in enough bounty to satisfy my penchant for the strange for the next couple months... or at least it will have to considering these uneasy economic times.

My first sampling from the lot was a carton of cashew juice. Cashews, like almonds, are the seeds of a drupe and not actually a nut although they are commonly often referred to as such. This juice is made from the fruit part of the cashew which, with the seed dangling down from its nether regions, is a strange looking beast indeed. The fruit is high in tannins and rather astringent so it requires a bit of processing prior to consumption. As a result it is rarely consumed in this part of the world.

The cashew fruit contains a high levels of vitamin C and therefore the juice box goes on to list a variety of health claims linked to the indigenous use of the cashew fruit in South America and vitamin C in general.

Poured into a glass, the juice looks strikingly similar to commercially available grapefruit juice but expresses no distinct odor. Upon my first sip I actually yelled out in surprise. This stuff is incredibly acidic, like a very tart orange juice, an effect which is exacerbated by the addition of citric acid.

Beyond the first mouthful, the taste starts to mellow out a bit and begins to take on the characteristics of a poor quality orange juice with an aftertaste of nuts. This aftertaste is quite unsettling at first but gets better with time. Still, it gives one the sensation of having a mouthful of nuts and can remain a little unpleasant.

I know, it sounds bad, but the overall combination of the strange qualities makes for interesting experience and I'm far from dreading drinking the second one I purchased in a buy-one-get-one-free deal.

Addendum: This stuff gets better every time I drink it. I'm at a point where I'd be willing to alternate my daily intake of orange juice with cashew juice. Shocking at first but an easy taste to acquire and enjoy.

Kombucha

We here in the Western world are constantly turning to the East in search of elixirs that will allow us to live a prolonged and healthy life. Sure, there are the yogis and wise men of the orient whose lives ultimately span a century or more but really, when you're sitting down in the lotus position and remaining calm all day then you're bound to live a long, happy life. Reduced calorie requirements from not moving much means that you can survive on far less food than those villagers starving to death at the base of your holy mountain. Living at such great heights also makes it harder for roaming bandits to come and kill you in your sleep.

The latest oriental potion boasting mystical properties that I've encounter is kombucha.

Wikipedia says: "Kombucha is the Western name for sweetened tea or tisane that has been fermented using a macroscopic solid mass of microorganisms called a kombucha colony."

Perhaps the recent introduction of this drink to the US stems from the popularity of probiotic drinks and other microbe infested foods that are purported to support well-being.

Now, I have no problem whatsoever with claims of reasonable health benefits but the label of this drink goes a bit far, forcing me take the Bill Hicks stance on marketing. What we have here is essentially a soft drink. There is a decent amount of good nutrients loaded into this little bottle but you also get a dose of added sugar (which, admittedly, is significantly smaller than what one typically encounters in most soft drinks). So you can pack the mini-fridge next to the couch with these things to your heart's content but kombucha alone is not going to do anything for your longevity.

Spurious claims aside, this commercial implementation of the kombucha recipe is marvelously flavorful. It tastes like a lightly carbonated ginger sweet tea which is funny because it's actually a lightly carbonated ginger sweet tea with magic microorganisms (they apparently don't add much to the taste).

I don't remember how much this was because I received it as a gift but expect a high price tag attached to those mystical properties, even if you are just buying it for the taste.

Elvis Sandwich

Edible Oddities is proud to announce the very first episode in an exciting new series called Creating Culinary Abominations! Not really, but this is the first post where we run you through the process of making the disgusting food before consuming it.

Abandoning the sleek figure and sex-symbol status of his young life, Elvis Aaron Presley became a bloated fat man throughout the years leading to his demise and it's no surprise (his fatness or his death) considering what he was eating. One of his favorite foods, a fried peanut butter and banana sandwich, appropriately dubbed the Elvis sandwich, has attained a cult status all of its own. As with most cult figures, including the barking fat man himself, there are many different theories and conflicting ideas floating around about this iconic snack. Some claim the sandwich also contained bacon and, instead of being fried in butter on a hot skillet, the left-over bacon grease was used to do the dirty work. So, in the spirit of going that extra mile for an extra disturbing experience, I thought why not try both? Half with bacon and half without for that simultaneously authentic and awful experience.

Here's what you will need for one sandwich:

2 slices of white bread
1 banana
peanut butter
butter
3-5 slices of bacon

Start by toasting your bread. Don't make it too dark since the sandwich is going to be charred a bit more during the frying process.

Cut your banana into relatively thin slices. This will ensure the sandwich fits together tightly and if you want your bananas thick you can always layer them up.

Now, start cooking your bacon. Keep that grease, we can use it to fry the sandwich later.

The toast should be done so, while the bacon is cooking, spread the peanut butter thickly over one piece of the toast. Although the authentic recipe only calls for one piece to be subjected to the peanut butter treatment, you can do both pieces if you'd like. Doing so will probably help the sandwich stick together better.

Once the bacon is done cooking, keep the grease warm while you collect the ingredients and assemble them together. Again, we were doing half of the sandwich with bacon and half without. Whether you use bacon at all is entirely up to your personal preferences and gastrointestinal fortitude.

Grab your assembled sandwich, press firmly, and drop it into the cooking grease. If you find that there isn't enough grease to do a sufficient frying job then butter the outsides of the bread. Once peanut butter starts oozing out of a disgustingly crispy and greasy sandwich then you know you're done. Whip that sandwich out of the frying pan and get yourself excited whilst letting it cool down a bit.

There's nothing truly horrific about the taste of the Elvis sandwich. The bacon fits surprisingly well with the banana/peanut butter mush, which by itself is also quite nice. Overall, the sandwich is pleasantly flavorful albeit in a disturbing way. But with such high levels of fats and carbohydrates you can almost feel yourself going into shock. Sure, as animals we are supposed to be uncontrollably drawn to foods with high calorific content but this is almost too much. A few bites into this beast and you'll be fighting the urge to bring it all back up again.

I couldn't finish the entire sandwich, leaving a large corner of the bread untouched despite still feeling a bit hungry. I can imagine eating a couple of these things and not being satisfied due to the lack of bulk but I felt so disgusting after my one that I didn't want to eat another thing for the entirety of the day. Still, this is something adventurous eaters should definitely try. Once. I can't fathom how anybody can eat more than one of these in a lifetime, much less with any regularity, but there is ample photographic evidence depicting what happens when you do.